not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
