thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
