i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
