I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
