fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
