when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
