my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
