She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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