If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
smell my finger.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
