Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
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It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
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You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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