I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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