One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
