Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
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