mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
