I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize