im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
You're earring is so big in my mouth
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize