I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
