I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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