I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
