Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
