You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
babies were throwing up all over the place
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
