are you so shy because you have an std?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
