Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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