I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
