you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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