we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
