I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
