I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
