i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
The power of my boobs compel you
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
