my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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