Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
