I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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