How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
