What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
