I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
