This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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