life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
