It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
