I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
