dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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