that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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