sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
