I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
