Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
where are my eyebrows?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
