I wish my penis had an off switch
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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