Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
