So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
