the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
People in love make me want to vomit
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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