Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
