I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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