Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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