saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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