porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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