i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
if only i could text you this smell
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
