I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
