I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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